slipping through my fingers

i didn't realize how fast thing were changing until i looked back

i remember seeing a picture of my dad while i was still in school. his hair was bushy, and the grey strands were so obvious. i looked at the picture, and a part of me ached. something about it made my chest tighten. he looked older. not old. just not the way i always pictured him.

when you’re younger, you think your parents stay the same forever. always driving you places. always knowing what to do. always finding the things you lost. and then, without warning, something small shifts. you notice lines on their face that didn’t used to be there. or you see a photo, like i did, and realize that time is moving, even if you weren’t paying attention.

i remember my mom always driving me to school and picking me up. at the time, i didn’t like it. i wanted to go home with my friends and gist on the way home. but now? i’d do anything to go back. whenever she picked me up, i’d tell her everything, what happened at school, how i felt, all the little things. oh my God i miss it. i miss her in that moment.

“i wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

lately, it’s not just my parents i’ve been noticing differently. even my siblings, they’re older now. and somewhere along the way, i started changing too. not in a big or dramatic way. just quietly. i think differently now. i act differently. i feel like i’m slowly becoming someone i don’t fully recognize yet, but in a good way. i remember doing almost everything for my little sister. at the time, i didn’t like it. i think i was just being lazy. but now she can do almost everything by herself. i think the moment i realized she was growing up was her first day of secondary school. she looked so grown. i felt like a proud mum whose kid is going to college in a different state. i just wish time could freeze for a little while. just stay still, even if it’s only for a moment.

recently, i went through my Google Photos and saw old pictures of my siblings. pictures and videos from when they were much younger. oh my god. it was so sweet. so chaotic. so loud and messy and beautiful. seeing all of it made me realize just how much they’ve changed. they look so grown now. thank God i document everything. if i didn’t, i don’t think i’d remember half of it.

time moved even when i wasn’t looking. my parents changed, my siblings grew, and somewhere in the middle of all of that, i started growing too. i didn’t always notice it happening. most days, it just felt like life. but now i look back at old photos, at small moments i didn’t think were important, and i feel everything more clearly. maybe i didn’t always know how to hold on to those days, but i’m learning now. to be present. to pay attention. to love people while they’re still in the room.

written with abba’s slipping through my fingers quietly playing in the background. because sometimes you don’t realize a moment mattered until it’s already gone.